Tinw's Tastesless Tunes (my various contributions to the karaoke bars of Middle Earth)

 

Big Rock Candy Mountain, revised

On an Ethuir Day
in the month of May [yes, yes, I know that's March]
A hobbit pair came hikiní
In a blasted plain
(Boy, these rocks are a pain)
There was nought to eat but lichen.
They staggered along
And sang no song
They were out oí milk and honey
"Hey, yíknow, dear Sam,
even moldy spam
Right now would taste quite yummy."

Chorus: Ooooooo, ooooo
The shoutiní oí the orcs
And the snortiní oí the Wargs
In Galadrielís smokiní fountain!
Miss Shelobís mad
And Gollumís bad
At the Big Rock Fiery Mountain.

At the Big Rock Fiery Mountain
Itís a land thatís one big blight
Fungus grows on the bushes
And the streams glow green at night
Your waterskin is empty
And you canít tell night from day
Iím bound to go
Where there ainít no snow
Where the sleet donít fall
And the lava flows
On the Big Rock Fiery Mountain!

chorus

On Big Rock Fiery Mountain
You burn right through your socks
And little streams of acid
Come trickling down the rocks
O the the orcs all come to kill you
And Gollumís right behind
Thereís a lake of goo
And sulfur too
Just drop it in
(Gandalf told us to)
On the Big Rock Fiery Mountain!

chorus

On the Big Rock Fiery Mountain
Everything can kill you
The roads are paved with broken glass
And there ainít no way to sue
Sauronís tower is full of orcs
And the dungeonís full of chains
Iím bound to go
Where there ainít no snow
Where the sleet donít fall
And the lava flows...
My funeralís been arranged!


CLOSER TO CANON

I'm trying to tell you somethin' bout my life
I think it started with that Morgul knife
And the best thing it's ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously
there's not much left, after all. (yeah)

Now darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I feel like Nķmenor before they sank itó
Not very long before.

I went to the wizard, I went to the mountains
Froze toes on Caradhras with friends I can't count on
If Pippin tried to chat up Smaug like Bilbo
Think we'd have a hobbit-fry
The less I stick close to these companions
Less likely I am to die!

I went to see the lord of Rivendell
With a poster of Gil-galad and a dress down past his knees
He never took his ring off; man this guy's got jewelry
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
So why won't he go to Orodruin, if he's so high
and mighty?

I went to the wizard, I went to the mountains
Froze toes on Caradhras with friends I can't count on
If Boromir's really trying to protect me,
then you can call me an elf.
And the less I see of him the better. Wish
He'd keep hands to himself!

I stopped in Ithilien upon a whim
To watch the Oliphants there with a friend
I woke up the next morning with my head against a wall
I'm pretty sure that this ain't in the book at all
At least there's no spiders here. (phew)

i went to the wizard, I went to the mountains
Froze toes on Caradhras with friends I can't count on
There's more than one way into Mordor
but this sure ain't one!
And I think I'm gonna see some nasty options
Before this story's done.

We crossed Emyn Muil, we went to the Black Gate
We went to Osgiliath, I hope we ain't too late
To get this silly plot back on course again
(stop looking at the pretty elf!)
I think I kinda screwed up at the end there ó
give me a chance to shine,
give me a chance to shiine, PJ
give me a chance to shine!

The Underdog (of Middle-Earth) Themesong

When Ringwraiths in this world appear
And chase the hobbits down like deer
And spoil the Prancing Pony's beer
The cry goes up both far and near

For Aragorn! (Aragorn!) Aragorn! (Aragorn)!

Stubble manly, wields a broadsword
Body odor, death to dinhorde!
Aragorn (ooo ooo ooo wooo!) Aragorn!

When Mithrandir is playing hooky
'cause his boss is going kooky
And the nights are getting spooky
You'll forgive his hygiene ooky:

Aragorn! (Aragorn!) Aragorn! (Aragorn)!

Stubble manly, wields a broadsword
Body odor, death to dinhorde!
Aragorn (ooo ooo ooo wooo!) Aragorn!

 

In memory of Jim "Finrod Felagund" Henson

Elder Days, sweepin' da... clouds away
I'm on my way to where the air is free!
Won't you tell me how to get to Tol EressŽa...

A THREE NOVEL TOUR

This, of course, is properly sung to the tune of Amazing Grace...

Just sit right back and youíll hear a tale
A tale of a fateful trip
That started out from Imladris
Frodoís Fellowship.

The boss was a mighty wizard guy
Olí Gandalf brave and sure
Nine Walkers toddled off that day
For a three novel tour

(a three hour tour)

The weather started getting rough
Hobbit toes were caked with frost
If not for the strength of the Doughty Men
The hobbits would be lost

The hobbits would be lost.

Now underground in the Mines of this
Uncharted dwarven hall
With Aragorn.... the wizard too...
The Ringbearer... and his Sam
Some hobbit friends, a dwarf and elf and Boromir!

The fellowship of the Ring!

 

The Wizard of NZ

Somewhere, over the Redhorn
Way up high
That's where I met a Balrog
one of us had to die.

Somewhere, over Caradhras
Skies were blue
And the screams that I did scream
Honestly you would too.

The escalator's out of order
Endless stair goes straight to Mordor
I'm so screwed!
I smote the mountain with his ruin
Least it wasn't Orodruinč
Ack! I'm nude!

Somewhere over the Redhorn
Eagles soar
Gwaihir's nonstop to Lůrien:
Too cheap to serve me beer.

If Balrogs possess wings or not
I'm wondering
With my last dying thought!